To My Dear Friend

To My Dear Friend,

I am so sad that I have lost you. That we all have lost you. When I heard the news last night that you had relapsed I still had hope for you because hope is what you taught me to hang on to when I was feeling lost, sad, or having feelings that were overwhelming for me. You listened to me, you understood, and you smiled and squeezed my hand and told me things would be okay and that you believed in me. You made me smile countless times, made me laugh out loud when it was inappropriate to do so more than once, and inspired me with your spirituality and your connection with God. I was always so happy to see you, to give you a hug, to hear about your walk in the park or the long drive you took just to be alone with your thoughts and prayers. I was sometimes envious of your spirituality, and you reminded me that little by little I would get there someday, one day at a time. You reminded me of the beauty in the day that was drawing to an end, or when we would see each other on a Sunday morning you would wish me a happy day and remind me to enjoy every minute of it.

When I heard that you had relapsed I said that if your pattern was to get loaded and come to a meeting then it was also your pattern to get clean because you had done so before. I don't know what happened last night but I think I understand how you may have felt because I know that when that sadness grabs you it can pull you down so low that you become exhausted treading the water and giving up seems like the only option left. Maybe that is what you felt, maybe you just wanted the pain to go away, or maybe you didn't even see it coming. All I know is that it took you from me, from your family, from those who you filled with hope and who came together tonight to remember what a wonderful person you were and how much you added to all of our lives.

I am going to miss you so much, Randy. I learned so much from you and perhaps the biggest lesson came today when I walked into that room and looked into the sad eyes of everyone who loved you and realized that you were dead and I was never going to see you again. You are the first person on my journey that I have lost to this disease and you will not be the last. Your death has reminded me that we are as sick as our secrets, that we must do together what we cannot do alone, and to live and love every moment as it is our last because it very well may be.

I am grateful for having known you over the past eleven months and you have a permanant place in my heart.

All rise....
Laurie